The Strategic Plan No One Will Ever Read

From the Unmuted Memoirs™ Satire Series by Kate Henry, CPA, CMA, MBA

Welcome to the Land of Vision, Pillars, and Vague Diagrams

It begins with a bang—a two-day offsite, enough Post-its to wallpaper a building, and a consultant named Trevor. It ends with a 92-page PDF that no one opens until someone says, “Are we tracking to the plan?”

The Core Components of a Forgotten Plan

• Mission Statement: “Empowering purpose-driven innovation at scale.”

• Vision Statement: Equally vague, but with more italics.

• Strategic Pillars: Three to five abstract nouns presented as a triangle. Possibly laminated.

• Appendix: A spreadsheet no one can open because it was saved in Excel 2003.

Where Is the Plan Now?

• On the intranet. Page 4. Behind three broken links.

• Printed in a binder labeled “Do Not Touch – Executive Use Only.”

• Uploaded to a shared drive last accessed by Brenda from Facilities in 2020.

Signs You’re Off-Plan (But It’s Fine)

• No one remembers what Pillar 3 is, but you reference it often.

• Your current budget request directly contradicts the plan, and that’s okay.

• The only person tracking progress is the intern. Who left.

How to Pretend You Read the Plan

Pro tip: Say, “I think this really aligns with our long-term strategic narrative.” Then walk away briskly before anyone asks for details.

Final Thought

The strategic plan is not meant to be implemented. It’s meant to exist—quietly, vaguely, and in spirit.

Unmuted Memoirs™: Because every plan sounds better in theory.