Performance Review Season: Choose Your Own Adventure

From the Unmuted Memoirs™ Satire Series by Kate Henry, CPA, CMA, MBA

Welcome to the Feedback Hunger Games

It’s that magical time of year when vague compliments meet cryptic criticisms, and your ability to use Excel suddenly becomes a reflection of your leadership potential.

Performance Rating Decoder

Rating	Actual Meaning
“Meets Expectations”	You didn’t start a fire. That’s enough.
“Exceeds Expectations”	You covered for your manager twice and still smiled.
“Needs Development”	You asked a question in a meeting once.
“Strong Performer”	We can’t promote you, but please don’t leave.

Self-Evaluation Survival Tips

• Use words like “impact,” “collaborate,” and “stakeholder.”

• List everything you’ve ever done—twice.

• End with “I look forward to continuing to grow.”

Manager Feedback Generator

“You consistently demonstrate a growth mindset…” Translation: You haven’t screamed in a meeting yet. Well done.

Bonus: The Performance Review Choose-Your-Path Mini Game

• You are asked to rate yourself. → Choose: “Modest and realistic” or “Confident but borderline delusional.”

• Your manager says “Great year!” → Choose: Promotion hope or resume update?

Final Thought

Performance reviews are not about growth. They are about surviving one hour of eye contact and buzzwords.

Unmuted Memoirs™: Because feedback season is just corporate astrology with a spreadsheet.